Saturday, February 5, 2011

O, The mess I have made.


I find myself being so incredible self-centered. I dwell on my insecurities. I fascinate on other people not loving me the way I want them to. I blame everyone else for my lack of self-assurance. I place on everyone the guilt of my issues.

It’s not their fault. It’s not God’s fault. It’s my stubbornness, my ridiculousness, my selfishness. It’s killing me. I consume lies from the master of deceit every day like its oxygen and I throw out everything positive people say to me because I think they are just trying to make me feel good, or they have to, or they’re lying. Really, I’m so self-consumed and its all so stupid it makes me sick as I write this.

Every day typically starts out with the possibility of being a great day. Unless I went to bed late I am positive, upbeat, joyful and have a smile on my face. But, I get so worn down at work and my thoughts turn to self-pity. Ugh, come on. By the end of the day I place on others the burden of making me feel better about life, about who I am.

Talk about putting someone up the fail.

I cannot believe who I have become. It half way disgusts me and half way breaks my own heart. Where did I go so wrong? When did I turn to so much selfishness?

God, I beg you to turn me around. To help me take my eyes from myself and focus straight on you and your children. Help me to see the needs of those around me and forget myself completely. May I seek joy in every situation and may your joy be my strength.

God, I reject the lies of the enemy. I declare Jesus freedom, forgiveness, peace, and love over me and my fellow Circle slices. God, I am sorry. Please pick me up out of my own mess. May you be my hope and my confidence. 


10 comments:

  1. Corinne, I can completely relate. We do it to ourselves and are convinced that everyone else is crazy for thinking that we're anything worthy. I want to rebuke us both right now. The father of lies is, " like a roaring lion your adversary the devil prowls around, looking for someone to devour..."(1Peter5:8). The enemy gains too much undeserved power because we literally hand it to him on a silver platter. I don't know if you've started reading Here and Now(the book), but it has helped me incredibly to see that Joy is not something that God sometimes wants us to have. We are called to be joyful because the true joy is derived from being most satisfied in our Creator. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him"(John Piper). God has such a glorious plan for you and wants to free you of the lies that are holding you back from seeing Him clearly. Fear not, for we serve a patient King. I will most definitely be praying for you. But remember that the God who created the heavens and the earth, the mountains and the oceans, the stars and the Son, the lilies and the birds...that He knows your name and that He desires you. Everyday. Not upon condition or circumstance, but always.

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  2. THANK YOU. you are not alone! thank you Brandon for your comment. both of these things spoke directly to my heart this morning. last night at circles, i bit HARD on a fat lie from the enemy. My next post will be all about that and the encouragement i got from this post. ahhh thanks, you guys! thank you Lord

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  3. The title of this post says it all. And it is true for all of us. We are constantly making a mess of our lives. Every day. But through the mess God loves us just the same and He will be there to turn things around. To help us grow and become better men and women of God. As long as we come back to Him daily. You have an amazing heart...and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!!

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  4. Corinne ::

    Beautiful. God is on your side. At times you may feel like a hopeless mess but I can confidently say that He will surely continue to provoke questions, thoughts, and experiences that guide you towards a life long journey of redemption and transformation. You will be surprised with what God will do. surely.

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  5. I love the way your post morphed into a prayer...

    Gives me a few things to ponder about remembrances/reflections and what forms they take.

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  6. This is very psalm-esque, starting in your despair and ending with your eyes on your Maker ...

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  7. Even amidst our disgusting pride trying to get in the middle of Him being glorified - He loves us still!
    You're His daughter, Corinne. You bring Him so much joy. Don't let Satan dilute the POWERFUL, COMPLETE and COSTLY GRACE that was the CROSS.

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  8. This definitely resonated with me...definitely. I've been feeling that way too lately...and it does feel like it can choke you somehow (I think Jesus talks about that in Matthew, about the things that can "choke" out our ability to follow him clearly!). I'll be praying that God really works in this in both of us (all of us!), and that we do remember how AWESOME it is that in spite of ourselves, He still works, and He still loves us.

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  9. You're not alone here, Corinne, that's clear. We all have to work hard not to believe the crap. I've been having this battle for the last several years, and I just now feel like I'm starting to see a light at the end of tunnel...or at least some light in the tunnel! The tough thing is...the negative voices tend to shout. The voice of God is quiet and it takes work to listen to, but his voice of affirmation...I've found that's it's constant. I just have to learn to hear it more consistently.

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  10. O the mess I too have made. it is encouraging to not be alone in this, and to read comments that nudge me forward (like nick's above on the constant voice of affirmation). thanks so much for sharing. I am praying for you right now!

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