Saturday, January 1, 2011

Reflecting through the tears

My roommates have left to go out dancing. I have cleaned the kitchen and sit with a glass of water as my company. What to do in the silence? What to do now that life has gone through so many changes this past year. I would have given most anything to have a few solid moments of silence to myself with nothing to think of and nothing to do and nothing to think about doing just a few months ago, but now its weird. I don’t know if to enjoy it or wish there was someone by my side. Perhaps I should seek God’s company and appreciate these moments because soon they may be impossible to come by. So I choose to be thankful instead of embarrassed at having little to do. I have accomplished much and should be at peace in this silence.

He never lets go, you know? He is always there. Its all about acknowledgment. Thank you God that tomorrow is Sunday.

Transitioning from college to big girl life has been really hard and I haven’t paid attention to how difficult it has been. I haven’t reflected, I have ignored, I have simply told myself that this is the next step and every step in better than the last, but I miss college. I miss being needed. I miss being surrounded by people who love God and love me and tell me so constantly. I miss being appreciated by so many. I miss being encouraged continuously. I miss being a great catalyst of God’s love. I miss  having so much purpose in every day and just titling it as my life. When I say I miss these things its not that I am not getting these different needs, but it once came from like 50+ people & now those surrounding me has significantly been reduced. Its not that those 50+ individuals have walked out on me, its just life & distance.

We don’t have to constantly be going. But, I have been conditioned to think otherwise. Ahhhh, NO GOOD. It okay to sit & take in the view.

O, hey Pandora in the background: “It happens in a blink it happens in a flash it happens in the time it took to look back. I try to hold on tight but there’s not stopping now. What is it I have done with my life?”

I just want HIM to be proud of me & I feel that I am not living up to this greatness.

But, who am I & where am I headed? I pray these tears dry & no more mascara streaks will make their way down my cheeks for a very long time. 

Thank you for reading. Thank you for caring. May love be poured out on you today. 

1 comment:

  1. I know this isn't necessarily a circles post, but it is. It reveals the moment before. And it's bitingly honest.

    Like you, my wife and I have gone through countless transitions over the past year...more than that really. Many of the changes have been good, most of them in fact, but I am coming to the same realization as you. I have not processed these things. I have not stopped and taken a good, hard look at the person I have become. I have not looked back and thanked God or looked back and reconsidered the path.

    I'm grateful that a component of the next eight months will be writing, documenting our journey. That kind of reflection is something God has been asking me to do for quite some time, but I haven't stopped long enough to do it.

    Hopefully this blogging experience will be good for both of us...for all of us.