The Most Recent Adventure

Welcome back to my thoughts - thoughts that I haven't shared for over a year now. I have drafted a few posts, but, never braved the "publish" button at the top of the screen. On occasion I have visited my previous posts and that is how I stumbled upon the opportunity to write again. Bare with me as I expect to be quite rusty. I have found that reviewing my blog has reminded me of the journey that the good Lord has taken me on and has helped me to realize that I want to be able to remember this time as well, my present moment, the most recent adventure God has taken me on.

That would be the dreaded event of deployment. I haven't joined the military as I am sure you weren't quick to fall into that assumption, but, I have fallen in love with a man that has. He is currently on a 6 month MEU in East Asia. Therefore, my writing has shifted to love letters and written prayers to the Father to protect my beloved, to encourage him every day, and love him when I cannot relay these sentiments due to lack of communication. I am slightly put off that I didn't think to start writing earlier, as we have passed the 4 month mark, but, as I have said before, better late than never, right? :)

Anyways, before Adam left and during the time of his departure, I was and still remain optimistic that the Lord has so much to teach both of us. I remain faithful in my gratitude that God allowed Adam and I to meet and fall in love before he flew around the world and not after. I am grateful the Lord's timing was May 2013 and not May 2014 (his anticipated return).

In every season of our lives, in every day of our lives we have a choice of how we will handle ourselves, how we will respond, how we will press forward. I would like to take this opportunity to encourage you to respond with hope, respond with love, respond with courage. Christ has already overcome this world, he knows your heart, he knows your capability, trust Him to see you through and be thankful for what He is teaching you. The challenges are a reflection of how much he cares. If He didn't wish you to be made into the image of His Son, He would leave you be, but His heart for you is magnificent, beautiful, full of love, patience, and understanding. He allows the difficulties to shape your character, to grow your dependence on Him, to shake up your story so that He receives the glory.

All glory and honor and praise to the One that saved us.

Circs & Slices

Re-reading old posts including the comments have lead me to missing Circles 1.0 way too much.

Stepping forward

Hello there.
It's been such a long while.
I've thought about posting numerous times-- haven't we all :)

I'm happy. Really happy with where I am at and where I am going. I felt the extreme freshness and freedom that a new year can ring in and I went with it one hundred percent. My resolutions exceed a list of 20 line times, but as I have shared with you before, I want to be consciously aware of where I am going, making the decision of who I am growing into being. To choose to be a better lover of Jesus, to choose what is healthy, to walk in the confidence that Lord has made me, choosen me and has never let my hand slip from His. He has always known what is happening, though I fail to look on the bright side beyond trusting in His faithfulness too often-- He's got it.

Often in life it seems like things 'just happen' and one has to clean up the mess or perhaps the distance that I feel exists between me and God can be depressing and lonely leads me to be stagnant in my own self pity. Who I am is not what happens to me. Who the Lord has created me to be is reflected in the things that I do, how I react, how I press forward, how I refuse (though sometimes I often fail to refuse) to believe that life is made up of what happens to you, the challenges you face, the lies and tricks of the evil one.

My life is to be of love. To be love for God and to love God. To honor Him every day and every hour of that day and every minute of that hour. Though I often feel defeated and sit in self sorrow, I can still press on towards what my purpose is. I can choose to see that it is not defeat, that pushing on shows I have overcome a boundary that has been placed in front of me and I am moving forward.

The Lord is gracious and compassionate, quick to forgive and rich in love.

May you feel His presence today, may He go before you and after you, may you see the difficult moments as a hurdle that you can overcome and the sweetness of defeating those little things that are holding you back from being all that you can be for the Lord.

By His Strength

Where I am weak: He is strong.

His strength is made perfect in my weakness.

Hear my cry, O God; attend to my prayer. 
From the end of the earth I will cry to You, 
When my heart is overwhelmed; 
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I. 
For You have been a shelter for me, 
A strong tower from the enemy.... 
I will trust in the shelter of Your wings." <-------- How amazing is this?!?!?!?!?! 

Each time he said, "My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness." So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me.

Some moments I feel more than adequate, more than capable, the strongest, the able. Other moments I feel shoved to the ground and told try harder you continue to fail and continue to fail and continue to fail.  So I try harder. And the ground is where I find myself again repeatedly told you aren't enough. No matter what you do you can't. You just can't. 

So this is me crying out to God and begging Him to work in my weaknesses, to be what only He can be to so many people; to be my rock and my fortress for His grace is sufficient enough. He is the one I am to look to please. I will not satisfy this world. I will not satisfy people. I was not created to do this. Therefore, I should take my own thoughts/advice & look to the Lord alone to sustain and satisfy. 

Lord be my Everything. 

and on this ROCK I shall not move. 

The heart of the ocean can't pull me from YOU. 

-Salvation by Paul Stephens- listen to it. 

A request for patience.

I am learning so much.
I am changing so much.
I am growing so much.
I am excited.
I am happy.

But, all of this newness is taking a lot of time to process. As you may have seen me write before, I am a slow processor. And there is a lot of information, a lot of knowledge. Eyes have been opened, ears have been cleaned, and my soul has gotten a new shine to it. I am stronger. I feel wiser. A season of change is ushering into my life. Its weird to be so so so aware of it. I have a lot to write about, but not enough time. I feel that I never have enough time. I don't have time to process. You can tell me that I could make it happen; maybe I could. But, I have a million and one reasons as to why I do not have enough time.

And so I am closing. I am shutting. I am withdrawing. I am backing off. I am separating. I am escaping. I am doing all of these things because I am in process. and the process is no where near finished. I don't know what to do as I'm trying to figure it all out. (I mean in every area of my life too as some of you have experienced). And I need time.

This may sound like a time of great confusion. I see it as growth and change into a woman that is more glorifying to God, honoring to Him, to myself, and to the people around me. I'm changing my life. I'm choosing who I want to be. Its just taking me time and that is really okay.

However. I am asking for your grace. I am asking for your patience. I am asking for you understanding. I am asking for your love, your prayers, your sister/brotherhood support. I am thankful for you.

A season for everything under the sun.

Change is but a constant.
Always.

Consistency is a wish.
A hope.

The majority of my life continues to thrive under a great amount of change. Work, home (Redding/family), home (Costa Mesa apartment/my girls), Circles, wants, strengths, passions, friendships, desires, plans, disciplines, me. All of it. All of it but one: God.

He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. What I know of Him today is something that I can build upon and not fear that it will be changed and I will fall farther from my knowledge of Him, because my knowledge of His truth and His love can only increase. This is a concept that warms my soul.

On a slightly different note: I feel that I am in a season of preparation. "Preparation for what?" you might ask. My answer, "I don't know, but I'm excited, running ahead (throwing some dance twirls in there), and ready do be used, tested, tried, serve, and grow in whatever way will bring our Lord the most glory."

I'm here, God. I'm willing. Use me. I love you. Always, today and forever.

Strengths

Empathy - to sense the feelings of others.
Belief - to have core values that are unchanging. These values define my life's purpose.
Arranger - to organize with flexibility. To maximize productivity.
Achiever - to have a great deal of stamina and to work hard.
Responsibility - To be honest and loyal. To take ownership of my words and commitments.

These are the results of my StrengthsFinder 2.0.

I was a bit unwilling to take this test again. I had completed it previously during my first year at Azusa (3ish years ago). I was proud of my strengths and loved that they defined me with Belief, Harmony, Discipline, Relator, and Communicator. I know that I have grown and changed a very great amount since that first test. My new strengths say this. Communication has gone out the window, I feel like its one of my greatest downfalls, but its something I'm working on. I do things I tell myself not to - discipline fail. I'm less harmonious because work and relationships have made me tougher, stronger, better at taking annoying sarcasm & throwing it back (because for some reason people LIKE THAT, which I don't understand, but feel like I must to be respected). But, perhaps I should stop mourning the change of my strengths and be giddy about the new dawn, the new day, a new way to serve my Jesus and my family better. '

I would say that my top 5 do represent who I am to an extent. The definitions are truth. I love that Belief is still in the top 2. Caring for others, to have strong morals, be productive with my resources, to be hardworking, and to be known for honesty and loyalty are amazing things in my eyes. I am proud of who I am. I thank God for making me, for choosing me, and for using me; for continuing to spurn growth and a new understanding of who He is.

God, give me opportunities to serve you and to serve the people around me with my strengths. I give you all the glory, all the honor, and all the praise. For without you I am nothing. I am undeserving, yet you cover me with grace and love. I can never praise you enough my Jesus, my Savior.

May 8th

:)
Hi,
How are you?
I'm well. Life is going a million miles an hour and never seems to slow.
I should blog more often to reflect and process, as processing is not a strength.
But, today is Sunday, what a wonderful day. I have spent time with a lot of friends that are dear to my heart recently and it has been so good, but I feel that I am never enough, that I can never fully provide them with what they need, that I can't answer all of the questions their problems bring them, that I can not be enough for everyone that is in my life (or even enough for the one person standing before me at any moment). It can be overwhelming, it can be daunting, it can feel like failure. I cannot possibly make enough time to take care of my friends and take care of them well. I'm sorry.

What can I possibly do? I understand that God is the one who can carry them fully, hold their hand, answer their questions, dry their tears, and bring them joy, but I feel that He can use me to help, right?

BUT, GREAT NEWS = I have a mentor, her name is Corrine & I am so excited to meet her!!

I'm about to take the Strengths test :) Blog again soon lovely ones.
& Happy Mother's Day!!
& it's my baby sisters birthday. Shout out to Courtney May Brooke, I love you.